dayspring valentine card

Sometime in your life, or maybe all the time,
you feel like youapos;re in the dark, yes and alone.

not slight dark but pitch black dark.
and the air is moist and hard to breathe.
air is thin but not thin enough to suffocate.

then youapos;re groping around.

you know there is not light but your hope makes you believe that light will come, or you will find it, either way.

maybe you might start to cry, because youapos;re scared of being alone, or that you have momentary loss of hope.

then you will compose yourself, or die.

most people will choose to compose themselves and think logically. Try to reason or find a way out. Then they realise, it is still dark and there is no way out.

then i think, the pysche comes in. People start to look inward and thatapos;s where your inherent (whatever) shows. You see yourself because there is nothing else to see, and either you are shocked or relieved. Either way, you find your answer.

then light comes.

some people thank their hope for keeping them alive, some say god gave them light, some say it was their own wits that saved them, some think its luck. Maybe you attricute it to something or nothing, but likely you wont forget that episode.

we all need the dark, to see the light.

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Thereapos;s was this chicken butt roaster informercial on and there I was with a whole roaster in my fridge and an unopened can of diced guava left over from a bbq sitting on my shelf. So I took the paper off the can and washed it real good. Then I mixed up some honey, soy sauce, OJ and a dash of 5 spice in a mixing bowl. Slathered the bird with it and poured the left over into the can of guava. Stuffed the can in the bird and propped the sucker up in a roasting pan. Slow roasted at 300 for-- a long time. It takes a lot longer to cook a chicken with a can up itapos;s ass than a non-violated chicken.

Should have wrapped the wings in foil although the way the boys fought over the wings youapos;d think crispy black was the new golden brown.

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I would spend some time alone to reflect on my relationship that had just ended, but�a�week later I found�myself on�a plane to Vegas, and then Iapos;ve lost track after that. If it werenapos;t for all the photos to remind me of where Iapos;ve been or what I did, Iapos;d still think I was alone in my bedroom that night three years ago with the poem and empty box of kleenex in front of me.

I am not quite sure how things came to be,�because I thought I was smarter/stronger than that to succumb to this. But as it turns out, the mind is a powerful thing, and his mind overpowered mine. In time, I started believing him, convinced that I didnapos;t need to be alone or free after all, that my future belongs with someone...him. However, I would later find myself unhappy and confused again. While struggling to figure things out, Iapos;d find myself going from house to house, searching for our first home together. It wasnapos;t until I saw the little black box which he pulled from his pocket when I realized I couldnapos;t force myself or try to convince myself anymore. Iapos;ve always sacrificed my happiness for othersapos;, but at the end Iapos;m still unhappy. No matter how much they did for me, no one can give me what I truly want, and that is the most simple in life--freedom...I still yearn to be free.

Realizing that I needed to be happy first before I try to make anyone else happy, I need to move on...again. All the days, weeks, and months leading to that cold winter day were sad for me, and they will be forever etched in my memories; his cries, the phone call. I am not sure which is more sad, to have oneapos;s heart broken, or to break someoneapos;s heart. I suppose to break someoneapos;s heart, you only see it, but to have your heart broken, you feel the heart aching, breaking apart, and you are never quite the same. Itapos;s something I wish never to endure because Iapos;m already certain I wonapos;t survive such pain. The saddest thing in life to me is, to look into someoneapos;s eyes and see so much love and joy, just because those eyes are looking at you; I never wish to take away from anyone. Itapos;s the greatest feeling to know that you are the world to someone, but also the worst feeling to know that you canapos;t see yourself in that personapos;s world.

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