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I am totally fried after a long day of interesting stuff. I had work from 9-1. I still enjoy riding my bicycle to work, even though itapos;s freezing cold outside and my hands feel like plaster after I get inside. (Because theyapos;re chapped by the chilly air.) Gives me some much needed time to think.

Anyways, I worked from 9-1, and things on the database are starting to come together in a way that will make sense when I leave, so that other people can use it and all that. Iapos;m realizing that as much as I love making computers make sense, I actually hate doing all of this... I like the aspect of being able to make things work for people, but not the part where I have to sit in an office fighting with FilemakerPro for eight hours a day. The job was a fantastic experience, though... Really does prove to myself that I can learn any computer program that someone throws in front of me. Thatapos;s a very important skill and I think it can bring me a lot of money if I ever need it. Iapos;m sure I could make a lot of money out of setting up running databases for people, and then ditching it. Because I can tell you for sure that I do *not* want to keep maintaining them. But the database that I work on now can be so complicated that it needs me... And that defeats the purpose.

Anyways, thatapos;s a skill that can make me a good amount of money if I ever need to just earn money for a while. (Say, if Iapos;m broke and I desperately need money to travel.)

I had class from 2:30 to 5:30; my Africa and Europe class, was, as usual, a little off-beat. I signed up for it because I needed the credit... And I am glad I did, because it really frees up my semester next. But the class itself is disappointing, not in any of the content.. Just in the fact that Iapos;m realizing how different of an outlook I have, and how impossible it is to mesh with other students views. It makes me feel old, arrogant, and ungrateful--and at the same time, makes me feel like I know more about the "on the ground" effects of colonialism than anyone in that classroom. And more importantly than that--itapos;s not just a study to me. My personal relationships are invested in people who have a history of "being colonized." I feel like... Iapos;m just not sure. I feel like to them itapos;s just about study, and so they are so detached from it and they can be so different in their approach, than for me... And I can say "Well my friends say this." or "My professors said this."

Iapos;m realizing that my calling is not to history. It is about stories, about relationships cultivated, about seeking more than just the "traditional narrative". And so much history is about that--but Iapos;m realizing now that so much of history is not about "I want to find out where I came from, and where these people who are different from me come from." Itapos;s about "I want to figure out how the world works based on my narrow vision of what causes events in the world."

Thereapos;s one boy in the class that irks me the most, and I think it might be because we have the same complaints about the class, but I think I have credibility, and he doesnapos;t. And I wonapos;t deny how arrogant and curt that sounds. But truthfully, I think heapos;s on a righteous tirade to assuage his guilt at being a white male. And truthfully, I think he should get over it. You can never meet your guilt on a fair plain unless you can meet your pride there, also. Easier said than done... But we are always the best critics of the things we best exhibit. I made a really stupid arrogant move in class today, too... I blushed so bad because I realized how terrible it sounded.

Anyways, we had our last class for our vocation seminar today... Itapos;s kind of sad. I loved that class. I really care about it and now that itapos;s not around... Well, I guess Iapos;ll just have to continue discerning. We had a panel of people talk about their vocations: a really fantastic group of people. I learned a lot. I learned that I worry to much (not that I didnapos;t know that already) but I know that Iapos;ll be okay, and all of that. And that itapos;s alright to spend money, haha. Because I have ideas.... About where that money might go.

Anyways, all in all I had a good day, but I just crashed like crazy when I got home, and my brain is total mush. Last year I could have done a day like this, then come home and done homework... While I might have thought that thatapos;s more admirable... I donapos;t think I do now. Iapos;m glad that I donapos;t have to fill my life with stuff to avoid feelin.

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