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Ya, i have so much to say but i always keep quiet and people actually begin to think that im a dumb idiot when im not. Haha. Im talkative, reallly. Really/ haha. Who believeS?

Probably no one. But some people actually call me daring leh, how flattering. Haha.
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Im a paradox kay. Just like YOU. Cut the act. Hahaha.

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This house needs new windows, all the ones we have are as old as the house itself and drafty as hell. Thats a rude awakening let me tell you. Perhaps I should also take the air conditioner out of my window and close it but I cant do it alone with my shoulder being a mess as it is. Anyway, not the reason I wanted to post, just a inane babble moment.

I am going to be getting fired soon, I can feel it. It is 1 week exactly that I have missed work. I gave my neurologist my leave of absence paperwork to fill out on Wensday so I could bring it into work and cover my ass from getting fired. Ive been calling everyday this week 2 or 3 times a day and they keep saying we will call you back, and any other excuse. Um, I gave you the mandatory $20 to fill out those papers and so maybe you should do your fucking job.

I am not so much upset at the idea that I am going to probably lose my job at Walmart as much as I am tight on money to begin with and then I had to give them $20 to fill out a form, and they arent doing it. I could have used that 20 for something more productive, like say my medication or feminine products. I am going to pick up my check today and I will talk to a member of management then and explain my situation so maybe that will make a difference. I really couldnt care less, I have to force myself to call in everyday because I dont feel like it and screw it I dont want this job anyway but that is not the point.

Im done.

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Ok, so Iapos;m writing an entry after all.

Today, I filled out my voter registration card and Coyote Hubby is mailing it for me. And Iapos;m going to vote on November 4.

I know this doesnapos;t seem like a big deal -- everyone does it, right? Only Iapos;ve never voted. Ever. When I was younger I just didnapos;t give a damn... And then when I left Tiki, he stalked me for the better part of 10 years. Every time I changed jobs, every time I changed my address with the DMV or Post Office - even when I registered to vote, he tracked me down and the threatening phone calls started and I had to watch over my shoulder constantly. So I gave up. I decided that my safety was more important than voting. I let him silence me.

After a while it just became habit. Even though he hasnapos;t made contact in years, I didnapos;t want to risk it again. But this year, itapos;s different. This year, I want my voice back and Iapos;m not going to let my habitual fear stop me.

This year, he has no power over me - and never will again.

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I am totally fried after a long day of interesting stuff. I had work from 9-1. I still enjoy riding my bicycle to work, even though itapos;s freezing cold outside and my hands feel like plaster after I get inside. (Because theyapos;re chapped by the chilly air.) Gives me some much needed time to think.

Anyways, I worked from 9-1, and things on the database are starting to come together in a way that will make sense when I leave, so that other people can use it and all that. Iapos;m realizing that as much as I love making computers make sense, I actually hate doing all of this... I like the aspect of being able to make things work for people, but not the part where I have to sit in an office fighting with FilemakerPro for eight hours a day. The job was a fantastic experience, though... Really does prove to myself that I can learn any computer program that someone throws in front of me. Thatapos;s a very important skill and I think it can bring me a lot of money if I ever need it. Iapos;m sure I could make a lot of money out of setting up running databases for people, and then ditching it. Because I can tell you for sure that I do *not* want to keep maintaining them. But the database that I work on now can be so complicated that it needs me... And that defeats the purpose.

Anyways, thatapos;s a skill that can make me a good amount of money if I ever need to just earn money for a while. (Say, if Iapos;m broke and I desperately need money to travel.)

I had class from 2:30 to 5:30; my Africa and Europe class, was, as usual, a little off-beat. I signed up for it because I needed the credit... And I am glad I did, because it really frees up my semester next. But the class itself is disappointing, not in any of the content.. Just in the fact that Iapos;m realizing how different of an outlook I have, and how impossible it is to mesh with other students views. It makes me feel old, arrogant, and ungrateful--and at the same time, makes me feel like I know more about the "on the ground" effects of colonialism than anyone in that classroom. And more importantly than that--itapos;s not just a study to me. My personal relationships are invested in people who have a history of "being colonized." I feel like... Iapos;m just not sure. I feel like to them itapos;s just about study, and so they are so detached from it and they can be so different in their approach, than for me... And I can say "Well my friends say this." or "My professors said this."

Iapos;m realizing that my calling is not to history. It is about stories, about relationships cultivated, about seeking more than just the "traditional narrative". And so much history is about that--but Iapos;m realizing now that so much of history is not about "I want to find out where I came from, and where these people who are different from me come from." Itapos;s about "I want to figure out how the world works based on my narrow vision of what causes events in the world."

Thereapos;s one boy in the class that irks me the most, and I think it might be because we have the same complaints about the class, but I think I have credibility, and he doesnapos;t. And I wonapos;t deny how arrogant and curt that sounds. But truthfully, I think heapos;s on a righteous tirade to assuage his guilt at being a white male. And truthfully, I think he should get over it. You can never meet your guilt on a fair plain unless you can meet your pride there, also. Easier said than done... But we are always the best critics of the things we best exhibit. I made a really stupid arrogant move in class today, too... I blushed so bad because I realized how terrible it sounded.

Anyways, we had our last class for our vocation seminar today... Itapos;s kind of sad. I loved that class. I really care about it and now that itapos;s not around... Well, I guess Iapos;ll just have to continue discerning. We had a panel of people talk about their vocations: a really fantastic group of people. I learned a lot. I learned that I worry to much (not that I didnapos;t know that already) but I know that Iapos;ll be okay, and all of that. And that itapos;s alright to spend money, haha. Because I have ideas.... About where that money might go.

Anyways, all in all I had a good day, but I just crashed like crazy when I got home, and my brain is total mush. Last year I could have done a day like this, then come home and done homework... While I might have thought that thatapos;s more admirable... I donapos;t think I do now. Iapos;m glad that I donapos;t have to fill my life with stuff to avoid feelin.

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After writing that last post I came to an interesting realization.
That very situation was supposed to happen this past summer.
The best part is that I initiated none of the events last night and it all just fell into place.
Really quite strange.
Been feeling a little weird today. Kind of..restless.
I have to study for this voice midterm but I have no effing clue what to study. She didnapos;t exactly tell us.
I donapos;t know how Iapos;m feeling actually-itapos;s weird.
A specific person IMapos;d me today and let me tell you I was just waiting for her to home in and start her little games.
Whatever dude. After all that time it shows me that priorities ARE truly fucked up.
High school is over, guys. . .

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Today was lonely. I started off my morning fighting with jade, but whatev we made up. Then i waited on jenn to get out of school so we could walk up the mountain. And hour and a half after she gets out of school i text her like whatapos;s up ya know, cuz i need to go 2 my parentapos;s n see my grandmothers n use the computer. Well she texts me back n says i donapos;t think i have gas to go, sorr. Really? i just talked to this morning n you said we were still going. Ugh she was prolly goin�to that stupid guy jayapos;s house. The same guy that broke her n her best friend up. The same guy that tells her he wonapos;t be with her until she gets her life right when he doesnapos;t do shit with his. Gah i wonder when sheapos;ll get a clue. I wonder If sheapos;ll get a clue. Her and allie. I donapos;t understand how you can talk 2 a guy that your best friend is dating. That just doesnapos;t sit well with me n both of them are 2 of my best friends and it kills me to see how dumb they are being or have been throughout this whole situation.

so, i havenapos;t been on a computer since sunday when i dropped my freaking phone in the bath tub =-( had to get a new one and lost all of my numbers, ringtones, pictures, thoughts. It was really frustrating, n i wanted to cry but i thought about it n there was nothing i could do so i didnapos;t cry. I figured that it was clearly happening to me for a reason, just like every other bad thing thatapos;s happened to me lately. Hmmm... Shit happens, life goes on.

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I am telling you, this kind of thing could only happen to me.

Now, itapos;s not that Iapos;m the only person ever to be robbed, and I am not actually the one who has been robbed, so thatapos;s all right, but the confluence of events within the time frame -- only me, man.

Lucky left from Texas early this morning to drive to St Nowhere and pick me up, since I have to be out by the thirty-first. Iapos;m completely packed -- I donapos;t even have any pans or the toaster or anything out, so all Iapos;m doing now is cleaning.

Mum just called to let me know that he might be a little late getting here because heapos;s behind schedule since his truck was robbed last night and he had to make a police report and get it looked over this morning.

Me? Furious at the WORLD.

Itapos;s not just the theft, which is bad enough, but the timing. Stealing a car stereo from a man about to do a two day drive in TEXAS is cruel and unusual. Fortunately they didnapos;t take the battery or the WHEELS, but they did get the stereo and weapos;re just lucky they didnapos;t steal his work badge, which heapos;d left under the seat. They also broke the seal on the rear windshield and tried to move it. And as his deductible is $1200 (which is fucking ridiculous, if you ask me) he isnapos;t even going to bother reporting it to his insurance because all theyapos;d do is make him pay it all himself and then jack up his insurance rates.

Iapos;m guessing itapos;s probably the guy who installed the ball-hitch on his truck, since we live in quite a nice residential neighbourhood miles from ANYWHERE and our street is so deep in a maze of suburbia that I actually have to have a map to get out to the main road. Itapos;s not like we got gangstas cruising for wheels every night. And our address was on the work order for the hitch.

So he still has his car, and Iapos;m going to buy an AC adapter so that I can run my laptop and weapos;ll still have tunes. At least he didnapos;t actually buy the stereo; it came standard with the truck, and while replacing it will run somewhere in the area of $500, weapos;re in a position to be able to save up for that at the moment (ie, both he and my mum are employed and nobodyapos;s having a dental emergency, touch wood).

Itapos;s not quite as despicable as stealing a bicycle, which is the most heinous theft one can commit, in my opinion, but itapos;s still damned annoying. On that note, Iapos;m off to tape up the last of the boxes and pack my suitcase.

RAWR

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I finally got to rent "The Kite Runner" at the library. :)

ANDDD... I bought Blink from the library for 25 cents. WHAT A STEAL It is one of the greatest marketing books ever written. :)

WOOOHOO

I also checked out National Geographicapos;s latest magazine and Discover magazine.

ANDDD I arrived home and my Lou Lou subscription has arrived Itapos;s this Quebec magazine on make-up etc. I subscribed because its readers are in my companyapos;s demographic so I want to know what theyapos;re interested in.

YAY

ANDDDD I left work at 5PM

Granted, I am meeting my boss at 6:45am tomorrow morning BUT I cannot believe I left work at 5PM :)

This work-life balance thing might be working out after all. :)

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"Iapos;m gonna throw this on the table and walk away. The Republicans have an ex-prisoner whoapos;s running mate is a heat-packinapos; mama of five with a knocked-up teenage babyapos;s mama. And thatapos;s the white option? Oh, HELL no White folks: have you lost your damn mind?"

--David Alan Grier, on Chocolate News, to the white people who refuse to vote for a black man

(some language NSFW)



--JKM

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